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Wedding Blues

I was supposed to get married September 27th of this year. It was our anniversary. It would have been 5 years.

Although things were bad, I never questioned myself if he was the man I wanted to spend life with. I was insecure, about myself, about how he felt. I was hurt and scared. But, I still knew I wanted to be with him and fight through the obstacles life threw at us.

So when he ended things, I was shocked. I wasn’t prepared for us not being together. I was hopeful that I’d still get to walk down the aisle towards him.

I cried and shook, my hand trembling. What was I supposed to do with the ring on my finger? What about the $1200 dress, vail, and corset I saved up to buy? Would I throw away or burn the 100 invites and rsvps? Should I sell the birdcages I bought in a yard sale? How would I make it up to my parents for spending their money on a venue and decorations?

It’s as if the universe knew what had happened. All wedding vendors contacted me at once. One by one I had to explain the wedding was canceled. Each time, my heart broke a little more.

When I packed up my belongings, I tried my dress on one more time before I’d hide it in a box. My mother cried as she saw it for the first time. She sobbed, helping me fold it away as she knew she’d never see me get to wear it as it should be.

My father hid the invites so I wouldn’t have to see them. My mother shoved decorations she had been working on in closets and under beds. My engagement ring and wedding band are safely tucked away where I can’t see them.

Everything wedding related is slowly being tugged away, but the memories I made with him and the promises we made to another are burned too deeply in my brain. I can’t forget.

I was humiliated. I was ashamed. I was beyond hurt.

“It’s better it happened now, rather than after you were married.” Those were my landlords words as he did a walk-through with me.

I smiled weakly at him.

Of course it was better happening when it did. I’m not sure I would make it if it were after we had made our vows.

I still may not like how things went. Or agree with how things had been handled. But, I know I am stronger because of it.

Without this slap in the face, I wouldn’t be where I am now. It’s not the best of situations, but I’m proud of how much I’ve grown in the past few months.

I held it together, for the most part, as my dreams fell apart around me. I stayed strong when I told my bridesmaids it was over. I didn’t cry as I packed up my dress.

I shut the ring box.