I’m a bit of a mess. I don’t have a specific plan for myself. I don’t have a dream job set in mind. Some days, some minutes, I can barely get through because all I can think about is you.
“Stop thinking about me..focus on yourself.”
I hear that over and over again. It makes me want to scream.
Do I need someone in my life to make it better? NO!
Do I want someone in my life? Yes. I do.
I want that someone to be you. And sure, I still focus some of my attention on you. How can I not when you’ve been part of my life for over five years? How can I not miss your touch, your voice? How can I not stir in the middle of the night because I crave you? And how is any of that bad?
Because it’s not! It’s normal. It’s human, dammit.
Stop telling me to focus on my damn self, when every second I am focusing my breath to settle. When every minute I am telling myself I am strong. When every fucking day I get up and face the sun, the rain, the damn spring snow. Stop telling me to focus on myself because you think I’m lost.
I’m a mess, but I’m not lost.
I know who I am. And I’m fucking amazing.
I’m an artist. A writer. A lover. I care for animals and the sick. I choose to put others before myself. I choose to dream.
I know what I want in life, but I don’t care about the specifics. I am not picky. As long as I am happy and healthy, that is all that matters.
I want to be a mother. I want to be an artist. I want to raise a family on butterfly kisses and finger painting. That is what I want. That is what I need in life.
Do I still struggle doing mundane things that involved you in the past? Fuck yes I do. Does that mean I can’t live without you? No. It means that I loved deeply and held those things close to my heart. It means I cherished every moment with you. It means that I am human. That I am not perfect, yet know my flaws.
I am amazing. I know who I am. I am not lost, just a little messy. And that is absolutely fucking okay!
I know what I want in life. I know who I want in my life.
And I still choose you. Not because I need you to fill my voids. But because I want you to be apart of my life, and to watch me grow from one amazing moment to the next.
Stop telling me to focus on myself. Because I am. I am growing, and will continue to grow. I am amazing.
And you can either be a part of that or not.
It’s not my loss.