I thought I knew heartbreak. I thought I knew how it felt. But I was naive. Yes, I loved those in the past. But not the way I’ve loved you.
You are the one who has made me feel.
Losing you is so visceral and real. It’s not just a few sad thoughts or sad days.
It’s endless shaking. And knots in my stomach trying to free my throat. It’s labored breathing. And stinging tears. It’s feeling nauseous. And so tightly wound even my short nails dig into my skin.
It’s worse than a bruise or a cut. I’d rather bleed than drown in a crushing wave, knowing you’re not there.
I’m so reactive to memories of you. I can’t seem to pull myself away from the onslought of pain and yearning. I keep looking at the photos I’ve saved, because I can’t bare to lose those too.
Everyone says to stay away. My mind and body sometimes too. I know its not right. But it also feels so wrong.
I feel wrong without you.
Sometimes I feel focused. I have goals. I have dreams.
And then sometimes I don’t know if I want to be focused. If I want goals or dreams.
People will say I have so much to live for. I have so much to do. I have more people to touch with my glow.
But to be honest, sometimes I feel like I’ve done enough. I’ve lived a blessed life. I know I’ve touched many hearts. Sometimes, I feel like it’s okay if I disappear, because I know-well hope-that I’ll always be around somehow.