Today I made the first steps in getting fish. I got their tank and basic equipment. The excitement lasted maybe an hour.
A few minutes after I made the purchase, guilt washed over me.
And then disappointment.
Why did I just spend the money I could use towards future groceries and bills. Why try to make myself happy. Why try at all.
Why, did I just get another living creature that will depend on me, when I barely know if I’ll be around. If I’ll choose to stay. If I want to live.
I already have a semi-formed plan for my two cats. They mean everything to me. I wouldn’t and couldn’t do anything to harm them. They’ll be fine.
But what about the fish? Or the snake? Or the rats? Or the dogs I wish to have in the future?
I’m trying to fill a void in myself and cling onto anything that resembles happiness to me.
I’ve been all over the place, week after week taking about and researching a new animal I’m interested in. I love animals. I find them fascinating and beautiful.
But I feel manic.
I feel that I’m losing my mind.
And I’m not sure a fish will help.