Today I made the first steps in getting fish. I got their tank and basic equipment. The excitement lasted maybe an hour.

A few minutes after I made the purchase, guilt washed over me.

And then disappointment.

Why did I just spend the money I could use towards future groceries and bills. Why try to make myself happy. Why try at all.

Why, did I just get another living creature that will depend on me, when I barely know if I’ll be around. If I’ll choose to stay. If I want to live.

I already have a semi-formed plan for my two cats. They mean everything to me. I wouldn’t and couldn’t do anything to harm them. They’ll be fine.

But what about the fish? Or the snake? Or the rats? Or the dogs I wish to have in the future?

I’m trying to fill a void in myself and cling onto anything that resembles happiness to me.

I’ve been all over the place, week after week taking about and researching a new animal I’m interested in. I love animals. I find them fascinating and beautiful.

But I feel manic.

I feel that I’m losing my mind.

And I’m not sure a fish will help.