I repost this because I’m afraid I’m heading down this road. Actually, I’ve already tripped my way along it. I know this is not a true solution to fixing a relationship. In fact it’s abusive. I know there are better and healthier ways to heal what might need mending. But, I do not know if I am strong enough to be the real me. Because I am terrifying, strange, and beautiful. And I would love to be accepted as I am.
The feeling to let you go ebs and flows. One storm, and I break beneath its waves. My lungs fill with longing.
I cough up the lies and broken promises onto glistening sands. My fingers dig deep into the ground, hoisting my spirits.
I stand at the shore as your beacon, yet you do not see my light. I signal across the sky, so blaringly most would be blinded.
You do not sail my waters nor venture my direction.
I will take my heart of oceans with me. You will grasp at sinking water, parched for the wonders it could offer.
And I will bless another land with waves of bliss and torment. And there, someone will face the havoc storms until finding the calm sea that’s really me.
And there, they will bask in my sunlight. And once replenished, they will face the storms again.
For they love the ocean. And they love me.
I saw you last night.
You were next to me in bed, smiling. You asked me why I was looking at you. I could hear your voice.
You were beautiful.
You curled towards me, tucking your hand under your head. You looked at me with bright eyes.
This was a beautiful moment.
I reached out to touch you. My hand fell against bed sheets, your place by my side empty.
I sighed and pulled my hand back.
This is how it is.
Ive been hurt.
I’ve been yelled at.
I’ve been left behind in tears; far too many times to count.
My trust has been broken.
My heart may be in pieces.
A part of me is gone.
I am strong. I have been hurt. And I have lived through it.
Please don’t hate me for suddenly leaving.
Oh, how you wear that smile so gracefully. Grinning through the pain and heartache.
Oh, how you hold yourself together so well. Standing strong with your demons pressing down on you. The demons that say you’re a burden.
You are a burden.
Oh, how everyone adores you. Congratulates on your strength and art. Applaudes your will.
But they don’t see inside my mind. They don’t know what its like. Knowing my beauty, strength, grace, will… Are not enough. How they will never be enough. Because I do not believe.
How long can one hold on for? When does the mask become real? Or does it never…
I am a phony.
Oh, I wish to carve that into my arms, so I can stare at it and know. Know that I do not belong.
I do not belong.
You are my greatest treasure.
I keep waiting for you to make a decision. Once again, I am depending on you. I’ve focused on what you want. On what I want based off what would be best for us. I’ve screwed up. I don’t regret the years, the time, the memories we built together. I couldn’t ever look upon them with anything but fondness. And love. Most importantly love.
But I screwed up. I feel embarrassed. I let myself go. And no one is to blame but me. I can’t keep depending on others. I can’t depend on you. You are unreliable. Frankly, so am I. But I am all that I have and I have to get this right.
I’ll make the decision. I need to.
You just lost me.